So, food continues to be my "frienemy". I've been desiring, as I think I mentioned previously, to get back on target with tracking my food. But, I've done a poor job. I know why, though. Not that this is meant as an excuse. Merely an explanation as part of my learning process.
I'm blue. I've been struggling for about 3 weeks now pretty intensely. This year or so has been characterized by more dramatic "downs" than I've ever experienced before, but this has definitely been the worst of it. I think it's a culmination of a lot of things that each deserve a little attention, so here goes..
1. Sadness. Year one without Mom represented a time of just trying to get my head around the fact that she was gone and loving those around me in their time of grief. But now? Well, now I get that she is gone, but I miss her.
2. Weariness. I've traveled quite a bit due to family emergencies, packing up the house, and some for fun family trips or visits from others. But, all totaled makes me tired. Maybe more accurately and positively put...they've been a good distraction and now I just see this vastness that lies ahead of me until the holidays.
3. Hopelessness. Yes, it may seem dramatic but that's how I've felt regarding whether we'll EVER be able to make a decision about where we are supposed to be geographically speaking. I've also felt that way about finding a church home, and thus friends (thank goodness for the See's). Nothing has seemed to "fit" us.
4. Defeatedness. The enemy has come on strong this year. I was reading on a blog that I follow and she shared a quote that her friend sent her about Satan. She said,
"Satan is no gentleman for sure, he doesn't back off when we are hurting or when the unimaginable has happened to us-he came at me with everything he had, with lie after lie...he tried to get me to believe that my life was over, that we wouldn't have happieness again...Thankfully, our great God pursued me even harder."
How true, How true. That pretty much sums it up for me. My vulnerabilities have been exposed this year in a whole new way. I've been walking through the loss of my Mom, a woman with whom a lot of my identitity stems from genetically, via nurturing, etc. As such, I've questioned many times what she thought about me....was she proud of me....it what ways am I like her....and on and on. So, in many ways I allowed myself to be open to the answers. And wouldn't you know that the enemy has jumped all over that opportunity. He has whispered in my ear that not only was my Mom not proud of me, didn't like me, etc....but that those are things that all the people in my life and even the Lord think of me too. That I have no value. That I am not loveable. You name it. And you know what it so sad about that? I BELIEVED him! ugh! It makes me so sick to think that I was scammed by him. I feel ashamed. I take comfort, though, that I've finally begun to see his attack for what it is...a lame attempt to make me ineffective in my life, the lives of those around me, and for the Lord. And just like that quote said earlier, my realization has only come because, "our great God pursued me even harder." Whew! Thank you, Jesus!
Now, having said that, I'm not quite out of this pit.....but I am on my way up.
Okay, so if you began reading this post because you were interested in what I had to say about food....sorry. My simple point is that food still has an unhealthy place in my life. But I've realized something new even just during these past few weeks. It's not just that food substitutes other things for me, but when I am overwhelmed with other things in my life I don't have the energy to deal with food appropriately. Thus, the old habits come right back into play. I eat without any thought for what I'm putting in my mouth or how much. During stressful times I apparently act on the basis that I am entitled to not have to think about food because there is too much else going on. That would be fine if all my old habits had been slayed and buried and new ones had been erected firmly in their places. But, I'm not there yet. I've not earned the right to be lacksidasical about food, and thus have no business ignoring it when the going gets tough in other areas.
Now that I have my own brow beating out of the way, let me just share one other little nugget that I've learned along the way so that I can end on a more encouraging note. When you make a mistake with you diet, or get off track with your exercise plan....the best time to get back to the plan is immediately upon realization. Don't wait until you get back from that trip, or finish that project, or attend that party, or even until you wake up the next day. Start with the next bite (or lack of one if necessary). We will all make mistakes. But, it is not an all or nothing thing (which is SOOOO my character). One mistake does NOT make it all for naught. Nor do several mistakes. What is important is that you recognize that you are off course and upon recognition, redirect. And that is where I am today. It's where I was yesterday and the day before too. My dietary navigational system is pretty stubborn right now. I've continued going the way I know that I should go, but my old GPS is screaming, "As soon as possible, make a U-turn." Well, not today, little missy, not today!